First Conservative - Political Humor and Obamatudes

Political Humor - Top Ten Occupations for Released Terrorists

A great quote from John Boehner:  “The world did not suddenly become safe in January 2009. There are still terrorists around the world who are committed to killing Americans and destroying our way of life. A number of those terrorists are being held at the prison in Guantanamo Bay right now,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “If the administration is allowed to proceed, they won’t be there for long. In fact, they may be right here, in the United States.”

Conservatives have long accused Democrats of coming up with wild ideas and no way to execute them.  Like providing health care for all that the government would pay for, Democrats have no clue how to actually make something like this work.  And now that closing Guantanamo Bay Detention center has become a reality under President Obama, once again, Democrats have no idea what to do.

At its core, the Democrat party has always believed that it is the thoughtful and compassionate organization that deserves to make decisions for the nation.  As the country’s Ruling Class the Democrats’ job is just making decisions – it is the job of others to carry them out.  President Obama’s decision to shut the detention center at Guantanamo illustrates this perfectly.  Without any plan, he issued an executive order closing the base within days of his inauguration.  Believing that prisoners would somehow be distributed within the United States and treated as shoplifters instead of terrorists, Obama believed that because He ordered the base closed, the public would accept it.

Subsequently, Congressional Democrats heard from their constituents and concluded that these killers actually were bad people.  On top of that, these bad people might wind up in their districts under a jurisdiction that might one day release them.  The thought that trained mass murderers might be released onto the streets of San Francisco suddenly had Democrats’ attention.   Even a Democrat doesn’t want a trained killer in her district.

So what to do with experienced Islamic murderers?  While Democrats are waiting for someone to take them, the Obama administration staffers have been developing ideas on what to do with the Islamic terrorists should they be released.  To make them productive members of American society, they have outlined several jobs for which the terrorists might be qualified.  The top ten jobs for terrorists are:

10.  Border Patrol Assistant - Terrorists have the same philosophy on border protection as Secretary Napolitano, so they should be useful in helping out the over-stressed agents on site.

9.  ACORN Support – After receiving significant federal funding, ACORN is positioned to use the terrorists as trainers for their new role as street enforcers of Obama’s social policies.

8.  Alcatraz Tour Guides – When Nancy Pelosi resisted suggestions to place prisoners on the island, the thought occurred to staffers that given their prior prison experience, they would make useful and informed tour guides.  They would also have access to San Francisco’s vibrant social scenes.

7.  Yucca Mountain Technician – Future home to America’s atomic waste, this seemed like a natural ‘fit’ for those that have experience trying to acquire low-grade nuclear material.  

6.  Budget Cutters – Cutting the federal budget requires a radical new look at existing programs. Terrorists would be able to quickly reprioritize all budget considerations.

5.  Lawyers – Terrorists are a natural fit for any business that requires a high level of intimidation skill.

4.  IRS Auditors – Akin to becoming lawyers, using terrorists as IRS agents would significantly improve revenues to the federal government.

3.  Security at KFC stores – Restraining rioters cashing in Oprah coupons for discounted chicken lunches should be easy for guys with great big swords ready to decapitate unruly patrons.

2.  Treasury Dept. Staffer – Since Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner can’t find any Democrat who has paid his or her taxes, using terrorists as Treasury officials would allow the Obama administration to finally fill some much needed Treasury positions.

1. Interrogator – Few people have interrogation skills of Islamic terrorists.  Threats to behead prisoners would generate great quantities of useful information.  As the terrorists are not American citizens, they wouldn’t be restrained by the Uniform Code of Military Justice or by Presidential edicts against torture.