First Conservative - Political Humor and Obamatudes

Obama’s Next Task - Apologize to the Dog

President Obama burned up a lot of fuel these past two weeks on Air Force One. Travelling the world apologizing for past American sins, mistakes, misunderstandings and perceived arrogance, the President tailored his message to each country he visited, using local language where possible – except for the ‘Austrian’ language. 

Apparently needing to replenish the fuel stocks for Air Force One, Obama even made nice with Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez.  Not wanting to upset the despot, Obama smiled politely when Chavez approached, shook his hand and asked to refuel his plane with Venezuelan jet fuel.   The meeting then broke down into the usual anti-American rants, including tyrannical speeches by Chavez and none other than commie lifestyle-leftover from Nicaragua – Danny (Child Molester) Ortega.  He and Chavez had a grand time excoriating the United States in public.  Obama responded with, well…. nothing.  He, Chavez and Ortega are now BFFs.

Believing the apologies are not enough to make Latin America like him, Obama – issued no response to all the anti-American rants and slander.  Instead, Obama quietly returned home to contemplate the next round of the Apology tour.  Upon his return, Bo, the Obama family dog was also included in the welcome-home event.  Not wanting to leave Bo out, the President apologized to the dog for being gone so long.  It was the first apology in two weeks that made sense.

As the President has been away from home, Obama has missed most of Bo’s training.  To help him catch up here are ten key points that the President must heed - put in language He will understand:

10.  Understand your breed - Like Americans, Portuguese Water Dogs understand English.  They don’t understand as much English as, say, Hillary Clinton, but Portuguese Water Dogs don’t respond to commands in Portuguese.  Neither does Hillary.

9.  Regular Exercise – The President is good at taking care of himself.  Exercising regularly must now include the dog.  A good way to arrange this would be to have Bo attend the daily press conference briefings with Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.   When Gibbs starts dancing, Bo will get plenty of exercise dodging Gibb’s flailing feet.   Count on Bo to develop fast reflexes or he’ll wind up taking a flight across the press room.

8.  Regular Mealtime – The Dog’s favorite time of day is mealtime.  It is best left to Bo to consume his meals in comfort and in peace.  This is similar to allowing US citizens to consume goods they choose in comfort and peace.  The economy works best when consumers are relatively free of interference and confusion. 

7.  Regular Bedtime – Like workers, a dog needs plenty of rest.  Make bedtime predictable.  Bo will require about 20 hours of sleep each day to stay in a good mood.  The long-haired, unshaven ACORN leftists that campaigned for Barack Obama also require about 20 hours of sleep just to spell their names.   

6.  Reinforce good behavior – When good behaviors are noticed, excited praise is required.  When Chrysler announced late this afternoon that part of its finance division would refuse future government money, Obama should have heaped praise upon them.  Chrysler wants to be free of government control.  Unfortunately for them, Obama wants to control it.  However, it is difficult to control a company when the company doesn’t want to be controlled. 

 5.  Do not reinforce poor behavior – The flip side to rewarding good behavior, the dog owner must never reinforce poor behavior.  When General Motors appeared on the verge of bankruptcy, the President intervened to save the company from its own horrible business decisions.  This was a reward to GM shareholders, managers and unions and prevented them from paying the price for their awful management of the company.  This also cost the taxpayers a great deal of money.  Unfortunately, GM will probably have to declare bankruptcy anyway, so Obama just threw away millions more in taxpayer dollars.  Obama should have learned from this experience. 

4.  Interact regularly – The President should be very good at this.  He apologizes regularly for the eight years of Bush administration decisions.  Unfortunately, Bo wasn’t around back then.

3.  Create structure – The President will probably struggle with this.  Coming as He does from the Liberal wing of the Democrat Party where all virtue is a matter of personal opinion – structure in and of itself is difficult for a lefty to define.  Bo will have the President for lunch on this.  Michelle will probably have to intervene.

2.  No grapes, raisins or chocolate – This is extremely important.  These things, although healthy for human consumption, are very, very dangerous for dogs to eat.  Giving grapes to your dog his is like raising government borrowing during times of recession – both are lethal.

1.     No Apologizing – Weakness invites challenge.  Anyone who has dealt with a neighborhood dog who approaches in an aggressive fashion understands that one must be brave, bold and defiant or otherwise invite attack.  Hugo Chavez and Danny Ortega are the neighborhood’s wild pit bulls who –after this week - are licking their chops.  They can’t wait to get their teeth into America and soon.  And why not?  The President just invited them to do so.

Obama Apology Tour - Latin American Version

Mexico was far warmer than Europe.  Unfortunately, the Mexicans have real needs and real expectations.  The Obama Apology Tour – Latin America version - was received, but quickly buried in the deep Mexican file of grievances.  Quick consensus was then reached between parties that the problems faced by Mexico were the fault of the United States.  Consensus in and of itself is a major objective of the Obama Presidency, so He quickly characterized the meetings in Mexico City as successful.  At least the Leader didn’t go to the Basilica and ask who painted the famous image of Mary.  He delegated that dishonor to his Secretary of State who carried out the assignment some weeks ago.

Mexico also used the anniversary of the Bay of Pigs invasion (or attempted invasion) to offer itself as a ‘go between’ in establishing better relations between Cuba and the US.  Obama, after consulting with his aides to learn what the Bay of Pigs incident was, responded that he would like to open doors to the Communist island to better understand how a dictator can oppress his citizens for such a long period of time. 

Latin American animosity to the United States runs deep – sometimes referring to America as the cause of all evil in the world.  Anti American cheerleader Hugo Chavez managed to cram his oversized form into a fancy suit and attended the Latin American Summit on the Caribbean island of Trinidad and Tobago, along with US President Obama.  (The next time Chavez gets in the mood to shoot somebody, he should start with his tailor.)  No formal meetings were scheduled, but outside the Men’s Room, Chavez did ask how Obama came out on his March Madness pool.  He also demanded one trillion US dollars to make up for generations of American oppression.

Obama learned a lot in his meetings with Latin America’s leaders.  Primarily, He learned that a lot of apologizing is going to be needed for Latin America to like the US.  Accordingly the crack Obama staff began preparing a top ten list of things to apologize for and came up with the following items:

10.  Bay of Pigs – JFK’s failed invasion of the island to overthrow Fidel Castro is still hailed as a major victory over US imperialism.  Had Kennedy used real troops, the outcome would have been different, but Latin America views this bit of history as an example of what happens when America wants a foreign head-of-state gone – they send in a bunch of poorly trained troops with no plan and no air cover. 

9.  Butchering the Banana Boat Song (come Mr. Tallyman….) – The Banana Boat song is used at weddings or other alcohol related events.  Latin’s view this as a symbol of oppression of dock workers and fruit pickers.  It is usually sung by drunken patrons and is therefore insulting to proud Latin American culture.

8.  Hurricanes - George W. Bush caused all the hurricanes in the Caribbean each year - that is just common knowledge.  The US should apologize and provide reimbursement for all damage.

7.  Never remembering that Brazilians speak Portuguese - Most Americans forget that Spanish is not necessarily the dominant language of South America.  The national language of Brazil is Portuguese, which US President Obama refers to as the Brazilian language.

6.  Making fun of the name Chile – The childish reference to the long and narrow nation on the South American Pacific coast as a dinner entrée has long riled Chileans. 

5.  Jonestown – The 1978 mass suicide of several hundred religious fanatics in Guyana is viewed as a major ecological disaster.  The Reverend James Jones swindled the Guyanese government into allowing nearly a thousand Americans to settle in the jungle to farm and live their weird communal life.  When these poor souls all committed suicide together, the ecological damage was never reimbursed.

4.  Backing the British in the Falklands War (Obama staff had to look this one up, too) – The last great Argentine despot, General Leopoldo Galtieri attempted a forceful takeover of the small Falkland Islands group in the South Atlantic in 1982.  Unfortunately for him, the British claimed these islands too and had several thousand valuable sheep living on them.  The Brits assembled a naval task force, sailed to the other hemisphere, sunk the Argentine’s best warship with two shots and retook the islands in 74 days.  All this was done with American diplomatic approval.  The Argentine military defeat to a small island nation half a world away was humiliating.  And with all defeats, America was to blame.

3.  Turning Columbia into a successful democracy that is willing to fight drug trafficking – This unforgivable American action runs counter to the desired role Latin America wishes the United States to play – purchaser of oil at exorbitant prices from South American despots.  
 
2.  Not knowing the difference between Uruguay and Paraguay – US schoolchildren are never taught that two smaller nations of South America even exist.  These two nations perhaps are best known for their soccer prowess.

1.  Educating American youth that the Panama Canal was a triumph of American engineering and drive  -  Americans are not taught that the Canal was a the creation of American imperialism.  They are also not taught about the massive ecological disaster caused by draining thousands of acres of disease ridden swamps.  Theodore Roosevelt is to be reviled for pioneering exploitation of Latin America.