First Conservative - Political Humor and Obamatudes

Political Humor - General Motors in 2012

Car and Driver is one of many publications dedicated to the uniquely American experience of automobile ownership.  Fun of driving and owning a quality automobile has been a celebrated tradition for generations.  That tradition is now threatened by a new and powerful force known as government interference.    The new operators of General Motors – producers of Chevrolet, Cadillac and other storied product lines bring a different agenda to the market.  That agenda might not have much to do with earning the loyalty of their customers by providing a valuable product.

Now that General Motors is entering government controlled ownership, the country will get a first hand view why Democrats shouldn’t be trusted with the entire economy, much less a single enterprise within it.  Among other initiatives, the Obama administration intends to impose fuel efficiency or CAFÉ standards.  The administration will discover –as did the Carter administration - that newer, lighter cars will be less safe if involved in a collision with an older model.  Accordingly, the administration will be compelled to force owners to dispose of older model automobiles – either by legislation or by government ‘clunker’ buy-back programs.  (Buy-back programs have already been proposed by the Stabenow administration in Michigan, which correctly sees that GM’s survival depends upon somehow coercing buyers into purchasing from GM.) 

The real challenge for Team Obama is creating a company that can produce a product at reasonable cost to consumers and still generate a profit to shareholders – namely the taxpayers.  These are two things at which Democrats are notoriously poor performers. 

So what will General Motors look like in four years?  Obama certainly won’t abandon His Union supporters whose help He will need for re-election.   The company will most likely be sucking up billions of taxpayer dollars to provide a few thousand UAW jobs building cars consumers will be forced into buying.

Government ownership will significantly modify the way GM designs and produces automobiles.  Given the manufacturing management experience of the current administration, one can only wonder at the type of auto reviews the GM product line would receive in the year 2012.   The following is what a review of the top ten GM models in 2012 might look like for its ‘new’ models: 

Chevrolet Hope – When public transportation is insufficient for urban needs, the Chevrolet Hope was originally intended to provide city dwellers with a means to travel city streets in style while minimizing their carbon footprint.   Although getting 35 MPG in city traffic, the recycled upholstery material lasts only a few months and holds the odor of whatever was last placed on the seat.  This makes trips to the local Pizza Palace a little less inviting.

GM Frank – Named for long winded Congressman Barney Frank, the model is a slight step up from the ‘Hope.’   Unfortunately its exceptionally light aluminum construction has caused drivers to lose contact with the road under windy conditions – the kind prevalent in the Northeast or around Northeastern Congressmen. 

GM Pelosi – General Motor’s first attempt to create a rebounding body to minimize consumer expense repairing dents has apparently failed.   The composite material must be continually reformed to prevent the body from sagging down to the chassis.  Continual repair of the body runs up cost of ownership on this model.

GM Searchlight – Named for former Nevada Senator Harry Reid, this GM model originally featured a navigation system designed to assist motorists to reach their destination efficiently.  However, the computing system has trouble recognizing most destinations that the motorist enters – including the café Harry Reid frequently referenced in his hometown of Searchlight, NV.  It also has a difficult time locating Las Vegas.

Chevy Boxer – Not to be confused with a more famous “Boxter” from a well known German competitor, the Chevy Boxer was originally designed as a cornering machine to handle roads similar to California’s Highway 1.   Drivers have reported a dangerous defect however, in that the Boxer only turns easily to the left.  This does add excitement to the shoreline drives.

GM Green – Environmentally friendly, this GM model’s hybrid engine was originally intended to run on biomass and methanol fuels.   Although somewhat functional, burning these fuels spreads noxious fumes down the car’s path.   Owners report that frequent cleaning of the fuel line is necessary to keep the auto operating.

Chevy Gore- This large, family sized wagon is disguised as a solar powered automobile.  However, the roof and hood mounted solar panels produce more public admiration than energy.    This automobile also has an expandable body allowing transport of bigger and bigger payloads.   GM failed to provide instructions on how to reduce the body size once it has been expanded.

GM Union – Celebrating the workers who build General Motors cars, the Union model has an on board radar system designed to gauge the distance, speed and direction of nearby motorists.  GM maintains the ability to operate the vehicle remotely to ensure operators drive where the Union wants them to go.

Chevy Biden – Billed as state-of-the-art, the Biden’s navigation system simply doesn’t work.  To make matters worse, the audio information delivery frequently won’t shut off – even when parked alone in the garage.    Adding to the mystery, whenever the Biden passes any type of camera – including ones mounted on traffic lights, the audio play starts randomly spewing verbiage. 

The One – General Motors’ new luxury sedan requires a permit to purchase as well as a permit to purchase the required premium fuel.  The permit itself resembles one’s Democrat Party Contributor Certificate. 

Political Humor - Running General Motors

The Political Humor industry received a huge gift this morning when General Motors fact filed for bankruptcy.  The same folks that decided to close the Guantanamo detention center without a plan are now in charge of a huge manufacturing enterprise – although it is not as ‘huge’ as it once was.

Irony runs thick through the entire General Motors story.  Democrats are now faced with the proposition of operating their own business enterprise.  Knowing that taxpayer funding will only support the business for so long, liberals now must create a viable company after they destroyed most of it.  Continued operation of the enterprise also involves the ugly term ‘profit.’  Democrats typically view profit as something that working people sign over to the government after they’ve earned it.  The concept of generating revenue in excess of spending is also completely foreign.  Democrats typically handle the spending portion with great skill, but actually earning revenue instead of extorting it is foreign territory.

Some leading Democrats understood early on that governmental operators might not have the skill to run the business.  Accordingly, these same leaders came up with the idea to give the United Auto Workers at least a partial shot at it.  Turning responsibility over to the UAW will have to be done after the union finishes its required 20 minute negotiating break. 

On top of all this, President Obama released his demands for new fuel efficiency standards last week.  The new standards ensure that the entire GM product line will require a makeover.   Since fuel efficiency is largely a function of vehicle weight, new materials will have to be obtained to make each car lighter.  Lowering wind resistance also necessitates design modifications.  It is quite possible that a new GM car would look something like an aluminum wedge with four tires that the operator maneuvers while nearly prone.   Computerized anti-accident mechanisms will also be required.  A collision involving a 76 Coupe de Ville and one of these new European style, wedge shaped cars would not be pretty. 

And then there is the issue of making the cars desirable enough for an American consumer to part with some $30K or more of his/her hard earned money.  If the Italian and French urban two-cylinder automobiles were such a hit with American consumers, they would already be on the market here.  It may turn out that should one want a new car, this will be their only choice.  Southern pick-up truck drivers are aghast.  A 35 mpg truck would blow away in a good Texas wind. 

On the bright side, consumers may now be presented with some unusual service options.  As the federal government already has numerous plant and facility structures throughout the nation, the more efficiency minded lefties are already thinking how certain services might be consolidated.  Since the federal government has committed to honor the warranties of GM cars, service distribution points will need to be provided.

As the Obama administration prepares to take another step in ruining the automobile manufacturing industry, there are ten key changes that administration groupies are working on.  Among these are:

10.  Oil changes provided at the Post Office – Since use of the US Postal Service is declining, administrators are looking at options designed to provide oil changes while one purchases postage stamps.  Postal service personnel could easily be trained in auto maintenance – forestalling future layoffs at USPS.

9.  Auto maintenance while getting a medical check-up – While the Obama administration is running the automobile industry into the ground, the thought has been that the federal government will also intervene to ruin American Health Care.  Why not combine the two processes?  Having the radiator flushed and filled while one receives a colonoscopy seems efficient as long as the two processes don’t get mixed up.

8.  Alignments provided by the Geological Survey - Since the USGS will not be involved much longer in surveying oil and gas claims, these talented federal employees should be re-tasked to align each operating vehicle.  While they are at it, they can align each driver’s voter registration record with that of the Democrat party.

7.  Register to vote when you buy a new car – Purchasing a new automobile will become a privilege in the future.  As has been the case with every other governmental service manufacturing capacity will be severely constricted.  Obama will further ensure that the funny looking cars that never go faster than 50 MPH are the only ones on the road.  To show your gratitude for being allowed to buy one of these, the government will require you to register as a Democrat and vote accordingly.  ACORN will be around to check on you.

6.  Receive a gas discount if you register as a Democrat – Using private industry to coerce support is nothing new to world leftists.  Your gas rationing card will go a lot further if you register as a Democrat and vote accordingly.  The IRS will be tasked to validate compliance.

5.  ACORN members will be on call to change tires – To show their human side, ACORN members will be placed on call to change a tire should your vehicle experience a flat.  Without a Service Level Agreement, though, one might wait a very long time – just as one does for postage stamps.

4.  Purchase auto insurance directly from the US Treasury – Financial genius Timothy Geithner  has determined that significant cash flow might be generated by taking the money people normally pay for automobile insurance.  Should an accident occur the government would be responsible for paying out any claims.  But.. since one cannot sue the federal government, this could be quite a profitable enterprise.

3.  Window washes done by street kids earning money for school – As part of the Obama vocational education plan, street kids would be employed to wash your windshields – whether you want them to or not.  Should you fail to tip them, ACORN will be around to check on you.

2.  The UAW has to operate the enterprise – The United Auto Workers are tasked with producing a product that people want.  This is totally foreign to them.  The UAW methodology is to show up at a specific time, punch a clock and return home at a specific time.  Actually solving problems has always been the responsibility of someone else.  Those ‘someone elses’ are the ones who get blamed when something goes wrong. 

1.  Entertainment Value – Although really expensive to US taxpayers, the comedy of errors that is sure to flow from government operations of General Motors will be never ending.  Auto manufacturers commit enough mistakes on their own without federal oversight. 

President Obama stepped into the world of automobile manufacturing yesterday by firing the CEO of General Motors and slapping an ultimatum on Chrysler Corp. to seek a merger with Italian automaker Fiat.  When asked what his credentials were to make such moves, Obama simply replied “we have to do something.”  Obama now has two central themes that run through all public appearances.  One, blame George W. Bush for all problems, and justify all decisions with the philosophy that “we have to do something.”

In taking action at General Motors though, Obama may have significantly overstepped both his expertise as well as his political will.  By stepping into this mess with taxpayer dollars, the President Himself is now the de-facto CEO of the company.  And the shareholders – read voters – will hold him accountable.  He will learn to hate being in this position.  The President’s background as a community organizer certainly positions him to understand the intricacies of automobile manufacturing. 

The interesting part of the GM saga will unfold in a couple months when a new restructuring plan will be revealed.  Prior to receiving additional public money, GM was required to produce a plan for its survival.  Obama judged the one already received to be insufficient, so he fired Wagoner and sent Interim CEO Fritz Henderson back to work on another plan.  That gives Team Obama more time to make recovery impossible.

Survival plans generally focus on producing products that the public wants more efficiently or at greater profitability per unit.   Apparently understanding consumer tastes and preferences better than GM staff, Team Obama immediately mandated that GM focus more manufacturing capacity on production of higher numbers of fuel efficient cars and fewer numbers of trucks.  As displayed in the Stimulus package, the Team also displayed financial management skill by making these mandates without regard to potential retooling or plant modification costs.  Also giving US consumers great cause for concern is the reasoning that trucks will be in relatively lower demand while gas-sipping, shoulder crunching small cars will be in greater demand should gasoline exceed $4.00 per gallon.  Obama certainly has plans to drive oil to this price level by strangling production, providing pretext to seize oil companies.

The interesting part of Obama’s GM recovery plan will occur at the point where the public as well as the administration realize that GM is a lost cause in current form.  Customers simply will not purchase small cars unless they absolutely have to.  And even then, they may prefer to hang on to their current vehicles.  This will leave Team Obama with a massive revenue shortage on top of taxpayer expenditures that were supposed to tide the company over until recovery. 

At this point, Obama can throw more taxpayer money into the organization to prop it up for another period of time.  He could lay off tens of thousands of UAW workers himself to cut necessary costs.  A third option would be to let the company go bankrupt and reorganize under Chapter 11.  In that instance though, he will be severely pressured to keep UAW contract agreements in place.  The President probably doesn’t have the backbone to lay off UAW workers himself.  He wouldn’t mind if someone else did it so he could lead the chorus of outrage, but he wouldn’t do it himself.  Since union agreements are a significant part of why GM has failed, Obama may have to revert to option 1 – throwing another huge taxpayer bailout before congress.  

Another bail out would occur well past Obama’s 100 day honeymoon period.  The public is already sick of expanding spending.  Opponents have already targeted key Democrats who will be looking for a way to tell constituents in their main-street districts why their government signed over a huge amount of their money to save the United Auto Workers from being laid off – after many constituents themselves have been put out of work.  It will be a tough sell.

President Obama seems adept at dodging responsibility for his actions.  His intervention in GM though, will be too high-profile to ignore.  Since the President can’t take meaningful action without upsetting taxpayers or key constituents like the UAW or other Michigan Democrat groups, he will have to figure out which course is the least damaging and which elements can be blamed on someone else.
Obama’s speechwriters will be significantly challenged to find a way to blame this on Bush.   At least that part might be entertaining.

First it was the grilling of bank executives over taking private planes to meetings.  Then came the mushroom cloud over the AIG bonus payments.  Every storm produces a benfit though.  The unintended consequence of Obama’s meddling in freemarket mechanics will remain long after his appearance on Jay Leno.

American business leaders were led to believe that the federal government would stand behind organizations that were simply too big to fail.  Outfits like AIG then failed to modify behavior in order to compete effectively in the world economy.  Rather than let AIG fail, the US government - including both the GW Bush administration as well as Turbo Tax Tim Geithner agreed that government intervention should be made to save the company.  When it came time to pay out the bonuses Sen. Dodd and Geithner authorized, the country let out a howl.  In this protest, both Congress and business got the message - government intervention carries strings that no private sector capitalist can tolerate - limits on compensation.

Business leaders had to get this message hammered home by public protest.  Having the government intervene to save them from their own mistakes will cost them their bonuses.  And what better reason is there to do everything possible to avoid government intervention?

General Motors - although half a generation behind in getting it’s own house in order - got this messge clearly.  Not many calls are coming from Detroit for more bail out money.  Automakers know that government intervention will make matters much worse for them.  Better to take Chapter 11 and reorganize than to accept government help. 

Chapter 11 would allow GM to renegotiate excessively burdensome UAW and other contracts that make them non-competitive in the world market.  This is how business is supposed to operate.  Successful business prosper. Unsuccessful ones fail or reorganize. A government intervention at GM would only postpone the inevitable failure of the organization in its current form.  It would also cost a lot of taxpayer money.

Obama may have overplayed his hand here, as the administration objective was almost certainly to take over General Motors.  Now that GM execs have seen what this looks like, they should take Chapter 11 and reject government help entirely.