First Conservative - Political Humor and Obamatudes

Political Humor – The Health Care Scare

Author’s Note:
Some topics are difficult to make funny or file into the Political Humor category, but here is a good-faith effort.

The same cadre of national leaders that brought us the General Motors and Chrysler deals, the Guantanamo closure and escalating international pressures with North Korea are now positioning themselves for another major move;  the takeover of America’s health care system.  Of course Team Obama insists that they are only creating a new plan to cover those that are uninsured and that those with coverage may keep it if they wish. 

The White House lie is that they fully understand that their plan will drive private carriers out of the market.   That is their intention.   Why would a business pay for health coverage on its workers if its workers could get it for free or significantly cheaper somewhere else?  Placing a much cheaper or free plan in competition with a plan that costs real money is a comparison liberals are incapable of understanding.  If a consumer thinks that it is difficult dealing with an insurance company over a claim, wait until they have to deal with the government.  And getting a colonoscopy will be done with the same dedication to privacy and service as getting one’s license plates.

These same economic Einsteins also insist that there would be no rationing of health care services.  Operating without the benefit of analytical skills, these are the same ones that cannot see the decline in the sheer number of medical practitioners as having any impact on service and availability.  Fewer new physicians are entering practice than are retiring.  This situation will only get worse over the next several years and there is no plan to attract additional physicians.  Why would anyone want to practice medicine for the government?  Rationing (shortage) is the inevitable result of demand exceeding supply.   Without a private incentive program, the US is headed for a major shortage of medical practitioners.  Repeating the Colonoscopy illustration, imagine getting one of these procedures from a low budget government run provider office where English might not be the primary language. 

Then there is the issue of cost.  Of course the plan really isn’t ‘free.’  The true costs will be astronomical and will be borne by taxpayers either though income tax increases or through inflation.  An additional cost to taxpayers will be payment of insurance claims and legal malpractice insurance as well.  The Lawyers lobby is positively drooling over their biggest payout yet.   Speaking of taxpayer Colonoscopies…

None of this is a secret within the walls of the White House.  This is a deliberate plan to ruin insurance companies and devalue all stock held in them.  Like the Indiana pensioners that held preferred Chrysler debt, owners of insurance shares will get a government administered –yes-Colonoscopy.   (Promise.. last reference to this)

On top of the incredible expenses already building, certain members of Congress are proposing amendments to cover uncommon medical conditions or study newly defined health and behavioral problems.   Among the amendments are being proposed inclusion:

Pelosi Amendment – covering plastic surgery costs necessary to build self esteem and continue one’s political career.

Barney Frank Amendment – covering speech disorders and Near-term Effective Responsibility Disorder (NERDs).  Curing speech disorders has been an ongoing effort.  Studying the methods by which one may dodge and deny responsibility for creating problems is worthy of a few billion taxpayer dollars.

Arlen Specter Amendment – Covering neck and Whiplash Injury Movement Problems (WIMPs) caused by turning too quickly from one side to the other.

Harry Reid Amendment– Reid requested funding to study the emotional distress caused by suddenly dropping out of circulation and not being able to speak in public for fear of losing one’s job. 

Biden Amendment – Vice President Biden came out of his less secure and formerly undisclosed location to request funding for study of Frequent Articulation, Reference and Terminology problems.

For more fun with Political Humor, please visit:

• Closing the Boston Globe
• What Would Biden Say?
• Chrysler Fire Sale
• Inflation - Where Reality Impacts Rhetoric
• General Motors in 2012
• Running General Motors
• Childproofing North Korea

Political Humor – Closing the Boston Globe

Not usually known for its Political Humor and wit, the Boston Globe demanded several concessions from its workers this week in order to keep the paper afloat.  The workers said ‘no.’ Where the workers think their next paycheck might be coming from is anyone’s guess.

David Scharfenberg of the Boston Globe floated the idea back in February to use $100 million in federal funding to support journalists.  The Obama administration appears somewhat disposed to create a legality that would allow pouring millions of taxpayer dollars into these leftist manure mills.  Since TARP funds were used for GM and Chrysler, why not for the Globe.   And like bailing out the UAW, federal funds would ultimately be used to bail out the Boston Newspaper Guild the largest Globe workers union.  These workers will be very important to the Obama re-election campaign in 2012.

Democrats don’t understand the real reasons behind why the Globe, NYT and others are failing.  Constant worship at the altar of liberalism limits one’s audience to about half the population and eventually ruins whatever credibility the institution might have generated over the years.  CBS News made this mistake in hiring of Katie Couric to pump up their sagging viewership.  Unfortunately for them, CBS’ problem wasn’t performance quality; the problem was lack of credibility.

This underscores a larger problem with Democrats’ understanding of how enterprise and capital work to begin with, but suffice it to say that our new leftist leadership in Washington isn’t willing to accept failure of these print institutions because they provide such favorable spin to leftist causes.  And they are free.  Initiatives like taking over health care, bailing out General Motors and others and protecting the Obama administration from accountability or blame for inflation and stagnation are but a few reasons the failing papers might get bail out funding.   

Never the less, northeastern Democrats serving in Washington are beginning to feel the heat from Obama’s failed Stimulus projects.  Unemployment, although slowing, is well above the level predicted by Obama himself.  One day soon, the Obama administration will have to take responsibility for the economy and that won’t be good for leftist re-election prospects.  AIG and other scandals have threatened the likes of Senator Chris Dodd and Barney Frank’s unbelievably poor oversight of the mortgage industry has Democrats concerned about their future livelihoods.  Keeping the Globe open would be a perfect retirement home for leftist leftovers from the upcoming Obama disaster. 

In saving the Globe, federal lefties have a few expectations.  Here is what the Globe’s editorial lineup might look like:

Comics and Humor – Senator John Kerry.  Kerry once called on the federal government to bail out the Globe to preserve a “diversity of opinion” in the media.  That was his best joke ever.  It seemed to have escaped the MA Senator that achieving diversity of opinion requires including opinions opposed to the dominant liberal culture.  Kerry’s ability to deliver a joke with his dead-pan (or just plain ‘dead’) style is legendary, once earning him the nickname “Lurch” after the Addams Family’s butler.

Business and Finance –US Rep. Barney Frank.   Given the Congressman’s ability to speak for hours without saying anything the representative should be a good fit for a paper needing to fill column inches.  Frank’s complete inability to understand how mortgages to unqualified buyers impacted the entire economy would make him the leading candidate for the financial position at the Globe.  This would hopefully keep him off the radio.

Editorial Page Manager – Senator Bernie Sanders.  Even the Democrats are too far right for Senator Sanders of Vermont.  Where Vermont voters want the country to go is beyond understanding – influenced perhaps by overindulgence in ice cream.  A self described Socialist Senator is just what the Globe needs to drive its opinion section.

Health and Fitness – former Governor of Vermont and DNC Chairman Howard Dean.  As a Physician, Dean decided he could better serve the people by being Governor.  One wonders whether his patients agreed.

Resident Conservative Commentator – Senator Susan Collins.  One of the two Republican “Maine Ladies” would give balance to the editorial page by agreeing with liberal views.

Beauty and Lifestyle – Since Helen Thomas didn’t qualify, editorship of the Beauty and Lifestyle page should go to former US Rep. Patsy Schroeder.   Schroeder took her Ivy League education out west to indoctrinate the urban masses there in the early 1970s. For those that remember, Ms. Schroeder had one of the worst hair presentations in the history of Congress rivaling even the horrible toupee worn by former Rep. James Traficant.  A Democrat convicted of 10 felony counts including racketeering and bribery, Traficant’s toupee didn’t come close to matching the remaining hair on his head.    Ms. Schroeder had a total of one hair perm-which made the national news- during her long tenure in the House.  She will be requesting frequent guest columns from Nancy Pelosi. 

For other Political Humor fun, please visit:

• The Health Care Scare
• What Would Biden Say?
• Chrysler Fire Sale
• Inflation - Where Reality Impacts Rhetoric
• General Motors in 2012
• Running General Motors
• Childproofing North Korea

Political Humor – What Would Biden Say?

The gift to the Political Humor world, Vice President Joe Biden again revealed why he is one of the most sought after interviews in the nation when he apparently re-designed the Hudson River Tunnel project in upstate New York.  Originally proposed for train access only, Amtrak Joe wanted future users to look forward to the day when they could drive their cars through the Hudson Tunnel.  Hopefully the ones driving will be able to point the car in the same direction as the trains travelling through it.

Biden has proved such an embarrassment that even the Obama team wanted to keep their VP locked in that undisclosed secure location.  To prevent being quarantined, Biden promptly released the location of the now somewhat secure and until recently undisclosed location beneath… well… enough damage has been done already.  The point is that Biden’s mouth operates independently of cognitive management and even the Washington Press Corps has to laugh.  Biden has given root to hundreds of websites dedicated to Biden gaffes and misstatements.

As silly as the Biden statements are, other interesting events occur when Washington Democrats attempt to put words into action.  This yields such great decisions as closing Guantanamo Bay Detention Center without a clue or a plan as to what to do with the prisoners already there.  Even Nancy Pelosi doesn’t want more trained killers in her district.  Borrowing trillions of dollars for a Stimulus package without any idea how to actually pay for it also qualifies as interesting – dangerous, but interesting. 

Try as they have, the Obama administration simply has not been able to properly task Joe Biden to a job he is both capable of executing and won’t wreck with his mouth.   Obama originally sent in His VP to oversee Stimulus spending.  The train tunnel under the Hudson was one of the largest of the Stimulus efforts Biden was to oversee and the VP clearly had no idea what the project consisted of.    All this certainly begs the question “What would Biden say?” on a host of other issues.

Team Obama will never allow the press to have an unsupervised visit with Joe Biden because even the administration would have to laugh.   Then they would have to have to explain to the nation how they could have possibly picked Delaware Joe for the second most important US government role.

The following are the top ten topics that the free world would like to see VP Biden respond to.  Although nothing is as good as an original Biden answer, the crack staff at First Conservative have hypothesized Biden’s responses to the following topics and provided appropriate analysis.  (Topic in bold, pseudo Biden answers in italics.)

10.   Former VP Dick Cheney? – “He had his chance to wreck the government.  Now it is our turn and he should stay quiet and let us.”    Democrats now cringe when comparisons are made between the former Vice President and the current one.  The former is capable of answering a question and sticking to an assigned task.  Obama is trying to figure out how who advised him to foul up His VP choice.
 
9.  Unemployment? -  “Why can’t these guys just go out and get a job?  Employment is created by working so we need to just get out and work at it.”   Biden has never really had a job.  His life experience includes stints as an attorney, but mostly as a politician. This means that he only has real experience as an entertainer.  The DC press corps would love to see more entertainment from the VP.

8.  Inflation? – “Who cares if the money is worth less today than it was yesterday?  Look if it takes more money to buy something tomorrow then someone in the economy is making more and that would be good. “Economics is a discipline that most Democrats can’t master.  Biden combines this incompetence with a gaffe-prone delivery that makes all statements incomprehensible.

7.  General Motors? -   “Those of us that remember the Studebaker know that GM built some great automobiles.”  Like Economics, History is another academic area Democrats wrestle with.  Team Obama is particularly sensitive to allowing Biden to speak on historical matters since he can be so easily proven wrong.

6.  Supreme Court Justice? “The Court is one of the most important Houses of Government and needs to have people working in it that know what the law is.”  Partially stealing this line from liberal genius Barbara Streisand, Biden would certainly understand the importance of the Supreme Court if not its actual role. 

5.  Israel?  “Israel needs to make peace with its neighbors to keep them from attacking one another.”   Biden understands that Israel is located in a part of the world where neighbors are none too fond of one another.  Only Biden would warn of a military scuffle between Lebanon and Jordan.

4.  Korea?  “I have relatives that fought in Korea so I know that we don’t want another war there.  The Japanese were a tough enemy back then.”  Although Korea was involved to some degree in the Second World War, it would escape the VP that the major conflict of the early 1950s didn’t involve Japan.

3.  Global Warming?  “The icecaps are melting because the earth is warming.  Pretty soon Chicago will be under water if something isn’t done.”  Forgetting that Chicago is not at sea level, Biden’s grasp of US geography would rival that of President Obama who has incidentally visited all 57 states. 

2.  Afghanistan? – “President Obama sent thousands of Marines to hit the beaches in Afghanistan and take the fight to the enemy.”  Marines might hit a rocky beach around some mountain lake, but it is highly likely that the Vice President will spend a great deal of time looking for Afghanistan’s shoreline on the Indian Ocean.

1.  Guantanamo Detention Center? -  “The United States should completely get out of El Salvador.  We don’t need to protect the canal there anymore and when we leave, we should close the prison. ”

For more Political Humor  and fun, check out:

• Chrysler Fire Sale
• Inflation - Where Reality Impacts Rhetoric
• General Motors in 2012
• Running General Motors
• Childproofing North Korea
• Creative Taxation
• Top Ten Occupations for Released Terrorists

Political Humor – The Chrysler Fire Sale

The Obama administration brokered a deal in the early days of its tenure, to reorganize Chrysler by taking its better assets and placing them in a new organization. The plan was to add strength to the deal by bringing in a foreign investor to share in custodianship over the ‘good’ assets.  The bad debt and poorly performing assets were dumped on US taxpayers.  Fiat of Italy, the UAW and the federal government would then be the owners of the new Chrysler.  It is still unclear what the new Chrysler could be expected to produce that consumers would be willing to pay for.

The federal government has little if any experience in running a profitable business, but has teamed with the UAW – which also has zero experience running an enterprise.  Together these two organizations should succeed in sucking up billions of taxpayer dollars but will probably accomplish little else.  If it is interested in earning any kind of profit, Fiat should be backing out of this deal in a hurry.

Still, Team Obama presses on.  They have a number of reasons to get the Chrysler / Fiat deal done quickly.  The following top ten reasons outline why Obama and company want to run Chrysler and avoid bankruptcy court.

10. Get something done quickly – Obama prides himself on quick action if not sound judgment.  This is reason enough to stall the deal.   Team Obama operates by the ‘ready, fire, aim’ mentality as was displayed in the early decision to close Guantanamo Prison Camp for Terrorists.  Doing something quickly is always more important that doing something successfully.  If a deal fails, Obama can always find a scapegoat upon which to place the blame.  CNN will help.

9.  Steamroll secured investor rights - Obama intervened to save the UAW at the expense of share and bond holders. Unfortunately, some of the bond holders turned out to be Indiana pensioners who are demanding their rights as secured creditors be upheld in court.  Obama was indeed surprised to learn that all Chrysler secured bond holders were not members of a Country Club who didn’t really need their investments.  These are exactly the people Obama is supposed to protect from evil, capitalist business executives.

8.  Provide taxpayer support to attorneys and plaintiffs -  The Obama administration is considering creation of a ‘victims fund’ to compensate personal injury attorneys (and sort of compensate their clients) for cases pending against Chrysler.  Obama will again set himself up as a hero using taxpayer funds to reward attorneys for bringing product liability actions against Chrysler.   The public doesn’t have much trouble in seeing victims of faulty products compensated, but seeing their attorneys rewarded with a Malibu Condo is another matter.   A normal bankruptcy proceeding would provide a court supervised distribution of remaining assets to cover injured parties’ claims.  This new Chrysler organization wouldn’t owe plaintiffs or their attorneys anything.  Obama would be the hero and taxpayers would get the bill.

7.  Screw over Ford –Ford arrogantly chose to not sacrifice itself upon the altar of Obama worship in the early days of the economic crisis.  The company is therefore stuck with its existing UAW contracts and dealer relationships that it would rather be rid of. However, instead of begging for Obamahelp, the company chose to work the problems out on its own.  For this they deserve to be punished.  Unfortunately for the administration, everything the administration does to improve GM and Chrysler will only help Ford.

6.  Save money on service training - Both Chrysler and GM need to save money on providing service training to those that work on their products.  By cutting dealerships, GM and Chrysler shave millions in overhead costs.  Dealers who were cut are rightfully upset, but they should realize that there will be few new GM and Chrysler product sales to service.  

5.  Show voters that government can make good investments – Creating a successful public investment by giving voters the bill for the bad assets and a small percentage of ownership is a long shot at best.  Still, Team Obama is out to prove its superhuman ability to make good things happen out of public trust and taxpayer dollars.

4.  Stop losing $100 million per day – This is a feat only Democrats could accomplish.  Running an enterprise that experiences catastrophic losses on a daily basis leaves quite a bit of room for improvement.   In the Democrats’ world of reasoning, it would reflect well upon them if they can figure out how to cut the losses to half this figure.  Republicans are thinking that these losses should be cut altogether.

3.  Totally screw current share holders – Similar to the Indiana pension funds suing to prevent the sale, holders of common Chrysler stock need to be punished for investing money in an enterprise not operated by the government or by an arm of the Democrat party.  Accordingly, Team Obama couldn’t care less about current ownership unless those rights are transferred to the rightful owners – the UAW.

2.  Sell off American assets to a foreign investor – In keeping with His status as first Citizen of the World (COW), President Obama wants to spread America’s wealth abroad.  By sending US taxpayers the bill for poorly performing Chrysler debts and sharing the remaining assets with a foreign company, Obama can show His generosity for sharing access to American markets with others.

1.  Hand over the company to the UAW – The UAW has long contended that they are the most valuable piece of the auto manufacturing industry.  Working men and women who build the Chrysler product line would seem to Obama to be the ones qualified to run the company  The President has thus resurrected the old Soviet idea that workers should control the means of production.  Obama will probably meet the same level of success as did the Soviet Union. 

Inflation - Where Reality Impacts Rhetoric.

Author’s Note:  As a currently out-of-work economic refugee, this article seemed to me to be a lot funnier when originally conceived.  Like Obama’s mis-handling of the economy, It turned out to be something more serious. 

With the economy still shedding hundreds of thousands of jobs each month, the Obama administration revealed new plans to stop the slide in unemployment by accelerating the pace of government Stimulus spending.   As with most Democrat economic initiatives, this will only make matters worse.  

Obama’s promise to create or save jobs was a centerpiece of his Stimulus promises.  Of course since no one can prove how many jobs were saved, the proclamation was received by CNN as a statement of political brilliance – even if economically insane.  Several trillion dollars to save a couple hundred thousand jobs seems a tad expensive even to Anderson Cooper. 

Economists and other notables including Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke have warned repeatedly about the dangers of federal government overspending.  But, as they now find themselves with custody of the taxpayer’s American Express Card with an unlimited credit line, Democrats are preparing themselves for the biggest trip ever to the world’s liquor store.  They will make themselves drunk on spending and will soon find themselves incapable of repaying - at least within the expected lifespan of current citizens – the debt.  That will be a task for future generations of Republicans to figure out.  For now, the spending party is on.

The inevitable consequence of paying for government spending with newly printed money is of course inflation.   Obama has few options other than printing money to cover Stimulus obligations.  The Chinese and Saudis are concerned for inflation as well.   Should these nations invest in US debt instruments in an inflationary market, the value of their investments may well decline.  Only Democrats seem interested in investing in a proposition where there exists a strong likelihood of loss.

Members of the Obama administration that understand where the US economic train is headed have come up with several reasons for not applying the brakes.  Inflation has some great short term advantages and short term advantages are what Democrats are all about.  The crack staff at Treasury have been working with Rahm Emanuel’s White House staff to come up with these top ten reasons for launching rapid inflation.

10.  Union workers will receive significant benefits – Taxpayer-funded   annual union raises as well as UAW “luxury” retirement payments will continue until 2012.  Included in most union contracts are guarantees for covering cost of living increases, so union workers will be getting regular and significant raises at least until the 2012 elections.  It really doesn’t matter to them who pays.

9.  Businesses will need to hire accountants and financial planners to calibrate future industry pricing models – to improve performance, businesses will need to fully understand how to keep up with rising costs of supply and formulate plans to pass those costs onto consumers without alienating customers.  This will create high need for business analysts with psychology degrees and degrees in fortune telling.  This will in turn lower the unemployment rate.

8.  Helps in funding takeover of Health Care – Borrowing and spending now at favorable interest rates looks better to taxpayers when compared with total costs down the road in an inflationary market.  Obama’s plan to ruin American Health Care requires significant federal investment that appears cheaper if done now.  This is the same line of reasoning used by one’s teenage daughter to justify spending $100 on a pair of shoes based on the belief they will be more expensive tomorrow.

7.  Makes bailing out the California state budget more palatable – Key to Obama’s re-election plans in 2012 is capturing California’s electoral votes.  With the most grossly mismanaged state budget in the union , California has no way to pay its bills and fund its social commitments to illegal aliens.   Bailing out the Golden State with – say $500 billion will seem to taxpayers to be a good deal compared to spending a trillion dollars later. (It just won’t occur to federal level Democrats to just say ‘no’ to bailing out CA.) It will also buy the votes of a good many Californians in 2012.  The Governator may have to terminate his mushy middle-of-the-road brand of ‘conservatism’ and start cutting ridiculous social spending if he is to avoid passing the entire problem off to the next Guv.

6.  Support purchasing a GM car – The best selling ‘car’ in America is the Cozy Coupe built by the Little Tykes Co. of Hudson, OH.  This car is powered by toddler feet pushing the plastic car along.  Similar to the Flint Mobile of Flintstones fame, future GM cars will need to be powered this way as well.  Additionally, purchasers will have to fork over significant sums of money to get one.  Convincing consumers to pay $50K or $60K for a new, two-cylinder aluminum ‘Cozy Coupe’ for adults will be more than a challenge for Government Motors.  For consumers, coming up with $50k now will seem like a good deal compared to paying $80k in 2011.  Obama is grasping at any straw to make purchase of a GM automobile appear to be a decent investment.  

5.  Everyone will be a millionaire – All workers  could be earning the same as Oprah.  Wage inflation always accompanies product cost inflation although at a lagging pace.  Team Obama wants all Americans to feel like a rock star with a Britney Spears variety expense budget.  Under inflation, that much cash will only buy a couple of grocery trips for the family,  but the large salaries required to support those grocery trips will be something Team Obama can point to in 2012 as an accomplishment.   Besides, higher incomes are taxed at higher rates -  which is even better for bringing in revenue.

4.  Stop printing of paper money –and/ or.. quit minting coins –This will assist in Team Obama’s drive to have wealth transfers done electronically – especially to the IRS.  This would also allow more careful scrutiny of individual records by IRS hackers.  (interestingly, hackers currently employed by the federal terrorist task force will be re-assigned to work for the IRS investigating ‘right wing’ US citizens financial records.)   Besides cost savings this will also decrease inconvenient historical references to George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ben Franklin or other currently irrelevant historical figures. 

3.  Assist in creating a government credit card – Why should Visa and American Express have all the business?  The pace of inflation will require such large sums to pay for common items that will be much easier to track all economic activity electronically.  Team Obama intends to charge a few user fees here and there to cover the cost of operating the Government credit card program, but will have instant access to taxpayers for payment of whatever tax du jour arises.  Monitoring purchasing activity will also provide information into behavior deemed anti-American by the politically correct – behavior like purchasing a firearm.

2.  Solving the home equity problem – Many homeowners got turned ‘upside-down’ during the recent price-collapse in the Real Estate market.  Those that have seen any equity eaten up by declining property values are of course interested in pumping up the equity side of their house investment without incurring additional loan debt.  Inflation will drive up the price of homes and if consumers were smart enough to lock in a low interest rate, they will see their equity ownership portion bounce back as a result of inflation. 

1.  Hiding the HUGE tax increase that CNN won’t understand – Democrats have always been sensitive to accusations of being the party that increases taxes.  They are sensitive to this because it is frequently true.  However, inflation is the method by which taxes may be increased without the understanding of most voters that they have again had their savings looted by the Democrat party.    Paying for government programs via taxation is clearly understood by the wiz kids running CNN.  Paying for government programs through inflation is something that they just won’t get.  And because of media unwillingness to explain inflation to voters, Team Obama will simply repeat the tired old message that they have ‘cut taxes’ for those in middle income bracket.  Anderson Cooper will just nod his head and make another lame joke about ‘teabagging.’ 

Political Humor - General Motors in 2012

Car and Driver is one of many publications dedicated to the uniquely American experience of automobile ownership.  Fun of driving and owning a quality automobile has been a celebrated tradition for generations.  That tradition is now threatened by a new and powerful force known as government interference.    The new operators of General Motors – producers of Chevrolet, Cadillac and other storied product lines bring a different agenda to the market.  That agenda might not have much to do with earning the loyalty of their customers by providing a valuable product.

Now that General Motors is entering government controlled ownership, the country will get a first hand view why Democrats shouldn’t be trusted with the entire economy, much less a single enterprise within it.  Among other initiatives, the Obama administration intends to impose fuel efficiency or CAFÉ standards.  The administration will discover –as did the Carter administration - that newer, lighter cars will be less safe if involved in a collision with an older model.  Accordingly, the administration will be compelled to force owners to dispose of older model automobiles – either by legislation or by government ‘clunker’ buy-back programs.  (Buy-back programs have already been proposed by the Stabenow administration in Michigan, which correctly sees that GM’s survival depends upon somehow coercing buyers into purchasing from GM.) 

The real challenge for Team Obama is creating a company that can produce a product at reasonable cost to consumers and still generate a profit to shareholders – namely the taxpayers.  These are two things at which Democrats are notoriously poor performers. 

So what will General Motors look like in four years?  Obama certainly won’t abandon His Union supporters whose help He will need for re-election.   The company will most likely be sucking up billions of taxpayer dollars to provide a few thousand UAW jobs building cars consumers will be forced into buying.

Government ownership will significantly modify the way GM designs and produces automobiles.  Given the manufacturing management experience of the current administration, one can only wonder at the type of auto reviews the GM product line would receive in the year 2012.   The following is what a review of the top ten GM models in 2012 might look like for its ‘new’ models: 

Chevrolet Hope – When public transportation is insufficient for urban needs, the Chevrolet Hope was originally intended to provide city dwellers with a means to travel city streets in style while minimizing their carbon footprint.   Although getting 35 MPG in city traffic, the recycled upholstery material lasts only a few months and holds the odor of whatever was last placed on the seat.  This makes trips to the local Pizza Palace a little less inviting.

GM Frank – Named for long winded Congressman Barney Frank, the model is a slight step up from the ‘Hope.’   Unfortunately its exceptionally light aluminum construction has caused drivers to lose contact with the road under windy conditions – the kind prevalent in the Northeast or around Northeastern Congressmen. 

GM Pelosi – General Motor’s first attempt to create a rebounding body to minimize consumer expense repairing dents has apparently failed.   The composite material must be continually reformed to prevent the body from sagging down to the chassis.  Continual repair of the body runs up cost of ownership on this model.

GM Searchlight – Named for former Nevada Senator Harry Reid, this GM model originally featured a navigation system designed to assist motorists to reach their destination efficiently.  However, the computing system has trouble recognizing most destinations that the motorist enters – including the café Harry Reid frequently referenced in his hometown of Searchlight, NV.  It also has a difficult time locating Las Vegas.

Chevy Boxer – Not to be confused with a more famous “Boxter” from a well known German competitor, the Chevy Boxer was originally designed as a cornering machine to handle roads similar to California’s Highway 1.   Drivers have reported a dangerous defect however, in that the Boxer only turns easily to the left.  This does add excitement to the shoreline drives.

GM Green – Environmentally friendly, this GM model’s hybrid engine was originally intended to run on biomass and methanol fuels.   Although somewhat functional, burning these fuels spreads noxious fumes down the car’s path.   Owners report that frequent cleaning of the fuel line is necessary to keep the auto operating.

Chevy Gore- This large, family sized wagon is disguised as a solar powered automobile.  However, the roof and hood mounted solar panels produce more public admiration than energy.    This automobile also has an expandable body allowing transport of bigger and bigger payloads.   GM failed to provide instructions on how to reduce the body size once it has been expanded.

GM Union – Celebrating the workers who build General Motors cars, the Union model has an on board radar system designed to gauge the distance, speed and direction of nearby motorists.  GM maintains the ability to operate the vehicle remotely to ensure operators drive where the Union wants them to go.

Chevy Biden – Billed as state-of-the-art, the Biden’s navigation system simply doesn’t work.  To make matters worse, the audio information delivery frequently won’t shut off – even when parked alone in the garage.    Adding to the mystery, whenever the Biden passes any type of camera – including ones mounted on traffic lights, the audio play starts randomly spewing verbiage. 

The One – General Motors’ new luxury sedan requires a permit to purchase as well as a permit to purchase the required premium fuel.  The permit itself resembles one’s Democrat Party Contributor Certificate. 

Political Humor – Childproofing North Korea

Liberals view management of international relations to be similar to child rearing; behavior can be modified by careful management of the relationship, particularly by favoring the ‘carrot’ strategy over the ‘stick’ one.    Liberals further view use of the ‘stick’ strategy as somehow bullying other nations.  Instances where the United States has offered a reward for certain behaviors is also interpreted by international lefties as bullying.   To keep his international approval ratings up, President Obama has avoided behavior he believes to be bullying; instead relying on his oratory skills to change the hearts and minds of adversaries.   The results of these efforts may be now seen in Iran, Venezuela and North Korea. 

Following this weekend’s nuclear and missile tests in North Korea, the Obama administration issued the predictable ‘strongly worded condemnation’ and then clammed up.  Obama then took Tuesday morning to introduce Sonya Sotomayor as His SCOTUS nominee to make laws that Democrats can’t otherwise get passed.  This derailed the entire North Korean strategy of headline-grabbing as CNN began the canonization process for the new nominee. 

The Obama foreign policy strategy is derived from tactics attempted by parents to minimize tantrums thrown by two year olds.   And any parent can testify to the effectiveness of these techniques and should be able to predict the results when they are applied to despotic regimes.    Team Obama has built its entire foreign policy on handling children.   Below are the main child behavior methods currently being applied by the Obama administration to handle the North Korean crisis.

Encourage the Child to use Words - North Korea uses a lot of words in an attempt to secure appeasement.  However, the Obama administration uses a lot of words well.  In fact, Obama uses and reuses many of the same words.  Typically the words coming from administration spokespersons or from the Secretary of State are the same ‘strongly worded condemnations’ recycled in response to every North Korean provocation.    Who the adult is in this relationship is in some dispute. 

Use Distraction – Team Obama is actually quite good at this.  After encouraging the child to use words to solve problems, Obama needed a forum for those words.  The United Nations fits this role perfectly.  Following last weekend’s missile and nuclear tests, the United States worked through the cigar club at the UN which issued a strongly worded condemnation.  This followed a strongly worded condemnation from the US government directly and similarly strongly worded condemnations from Russia, China and other UN members.   The international community then joined with the Obama administration in an act of fruitless word mongering.  In the end, it was only Obama that wound up distracted.

Teach Alternatives to Tantrums – Now that the UN has joined the administration in strongly condemning the North Korean actions, Obama is left with something of a void in trying to find an alternative that the North Koreans will find attractive.  Should Obama reward the North with food or other aid, He will be rewarding the behavior that He has so strongly condemned.  What does He do now?  Good question.  Obama has talked Himself into a corner at the UN and has very few options short of just allowing the DPRK to develop nuclear warheads and missiles.

Time Out - When confronted with an unruly child, the parent puts the child in ‘time out.’  Knowing that ‘time out’ deprives the child of attention, the theory goes that the child will modify his behavior.   After its weapons tests over the Memorial Day weekend, the DPRK was put in ‘time out’ by the administration, which after an initial strongly worded condemnation, threatened further ‘isolation.’  As the world’s most isolated nation, North Korea correctly interpreted this as meaningless since it is already the most isolated nation in the world and seems to like it that way.    Obama is the one banging his head against the furniture, as the DPRK couldn’t care less if they are made ‘more isolated.’

Remove the Child – Moving the child to a room where there are few distractions is also a favorite strategy.  The theory goes that the child will get bored and lonely and eventually submit to the will of the adult.  However, North Korea has been isolated for years and seems content in its own room.  When Obama opines that the North’s actions will only further their isolation, He mistakenly presumes that the DPRK actually cares.  Again, it is Obama that appears foolish.  If one is going to threaten a consequence, the consequence should probably be something that the child cares about.  Obama believes that acceptance into the Obama club of favored nations should constitute the reward.

The Carrot Strategy - Adults that raised their own children understand that one doesn’t achieve positive behavioral modification without the use of both the carrot and the stick strategies together.  Team Obama believes that by talking and ‘being nice’ to other nations is all the reward other nations will need to improve their relationship with the US.   Those nations that fail to live up to Obama’s behavioral expectations will not be bullied, but will instead receive the silent treatment.  If the silent treatment is the worst the North Koreans can expect, look out.  They will be compelled to do something instead of just threatening action.  The Obama administration has far too much confidence in its ‘stick’ or, perhaps, in its ‘schtick.’ 

Treating North Korea as anything except a dangerous pariah is childish and dangerous.  The Obama administration desperately needs some adults in its ranks who understand that the only way to prevent North Korea from acquiring and distributing nuclear weapons and delivery systems is to act unilaterally. The Chinese and Russians will never help pressure DPRK as it is in their interests to see a weaker America.   The only way to resolve the situation without allowing the North to develop and distribute these weapons systems is to be prepared to and if necessary, act unilaterally.  It is childish to put America’s future in the hands of Russians, Chinese and UN members that would like to see a weakened United States.

Daily Obamatude for June 4

The President yesterday boarded Air Force One to make yet another international trip to use his influence to bring peace to the world.

President Obama’s trip to the middle east kicked off with a stop in Saudi Arabia - which provided the President with a chance to not bow before the king.   Then, He made a quick jump over to Cairo to speak to the world’s Muslim population about how Israel’s settlements are a danger to peace and how the US is not at war with Islam.   

Telling the Muslims that the US is not the enemy of the Muslim world or at war with them will surely bring peace. The speech was attended by members of the Islamic brotherhood - who will no doubt return home and begin lives as farmers and merchants.

Daily Obamatude:

Hip is Air Force One - for it makes Me look really important

Be sure to read:

• General Motors in 2012
• Running General Motors
• Childproofing North Korea
• Creative Taxation
• Foreign Policy House of Cards
• Sotomayor Season of Silly Statements
• Top Ten Occupations for Released Terrorists
  

Also!  check out the new page “Hire this Blogger!“  Given the President’s handling of the economy, your humble blogger is looking for new opportunities!

Thanks for reading!

First Conservative - First in Political Humor

Political Humor – Obama Abroad

From Mark Twain’s Innocence Abroad in describing an American ‘Pilgrim’:

Such tranquil stupidity, such supernatural gravity, such self-righteousness, and such ineffable self-complacency as were in the countenance and attitude of that gray-bodied, dark-winged, bald-headed, and preposterously uncomely bird! He was… so serene, so unspeakably satisfied!

Originally intended to illustrate an arrogant, uncultured and obnoxious American visitor to Europe, Mark Twain cuttingly presents what Europeans and world hosts have supposedly tolerated in American guests for generations.  They must certainly endure it from the current American President.  President Obama will find it difficult to maintain humility in avoiding Twain’s ugly American description and still uphold his hero status. 

In advance of yet another international trip, President Obama sought to present his humility to the world by stating that the US should not impose its values abroad.  In the following breath, Obama then urged the world to embrace what he termed “universal values” of Democracy, rule of law, freedom of speech and freedom of religion.  Radical Islamists were heartened to hear that the US would not be imposing its values abroad and are now wondering when the US will allow Iran to wipe Israel off the map.

Values are not always universal.  Nations are simply different from one another and occasionally, they get into hostile disagreements.   Countries therefore need armies to protect their unique national values as well as protect a population that deems those values to be worth protecting.  Obama believes that enough unique American national values might be surrendered to encourage other nations to have a more favorable attitude towards the US.   The theory goes that formerly hostile nations or their surrogates would then be less likely kill millions of Americans with a weapon of mass destruction.  Obama’s first step then is to present a different image from Twain’s ‘pilgrim’ so as to encourage those who would be adversaries to be less hostile.

As the leading Citizen of the World (COW), President Obama will endeavor to lower the level of hatred for America by overcoming Twain’s ugly American image.   The trip itinerary includes stops in Europe, Saudi Arabia and Cairo – where He will deliver a stirring, teleprompter aided speech setting the course for a new Middle East peace.   Extending Twain’s symbolism, the trip will also allow the leading COW to address ten important issues near and dear to international interests that would showcase a new American willingness to be, well…. less American:

10. Reiterate that America shouldn’t impose its values abroad – Militant Islamists in particular want to see actions back up this statement.  When George W. Bush imposed democracy on Iraq, militants sent thousands of fighters to the region to resist.  American troops and enough Iraqi people who didn’t want to live under Islamic fascism were able to drive most militants - the survivors anyway - back to their caves.  Obama’s intention to cease imposing American values elsewhere is great news for the Taliban and other jihadists.  (But this seems like too small a concession for them to give up their plans to kill as many of us as possible.)

9.  Show Him NOT bowing before the Saudi King – After the President’s historic bow to a foreign monarch at the G-whatever in Europe this spring, Obama is desperately seeking an opportunity to show Americans that he isn’t subservient to Saudi Arabia.  This time, he will just shake hands with the Saudi dignitaries present.  This photo op will precede the meeting during which Obama will beg the Saudis to increase oil production and stop funding terrorists (neither of which will – of course – happen).

8.  Reassure world leftists that closing Guantanamo Bay detention center is ‘in process’ - The world’s hero walked into the brick wall of reality this May in trying to close the detention center.   World lefties want the thing closed because it would be nice.  Thinking Americans who like the idea of living peacefully in their homes and cities want the thing left open.  Recent polling has given Democrats the backbone to stand up to administration efforts to move prisoners to US soil where some would surely be released by a Clinton-era or other liberal judge on some technicality.  Obama is bringing dancing shoes to this party as world lefties will be insistent on holding the President to His promise. 

7.  Reassure the world that it shouldn’t be afraid of His appointment of Republicans to defense positions - Appointed Republicans include Defense Secretary Robert Gates and future Secretary of the Army John McHugh.  Understanding that US defense has been a key weakness of prior Democrat administrations, Obama selected Republicans for Defense roles in His administration to be held in reserve as scapegoats should any defense disaster occur.

6.  Get European Press back on his side – Europeans are beginning to snicker at the US President’s affinity for flowery and essentially meaningless talk.   All contemporary fads lose their luster at some point and become suddenly ‘uncool.’  Like the Backstreet Boys, the President’s rock star status may have peaked and Team Obama sees the public adoration level declining overseas.   Interestingly, European press is much harder on the President than is the DC press corps because Europeans have had generations of experience seeing through slick talking politicians.  Obama has to present something new to the Europeans that will re-establish his ‘coolness.’   Hopefully He won’t attempt this in the Austrian language.
 
5.  Attend D-Day Ceremonies – Meant for home consumption, the President is absolutely expected to visit the graves of fallen American heroes at the Normandy Beaches where so many of America’s best were lost in June of 1944.  Obama has been practicing his far-off and distant look – the one that inspired those awful red and blue posters labeled ‘Hope’- so that the cameras will capture a properly reflective expression.   After all, this is a prime performance moment.

4.  Visit Nazi Death Camp – An American President is also expected to visit one of the Death Camps preserved in Germany and elsewhere.  The message of evil will not be lost even on Obama.  Will the President understand though, that people with similar beliefs and willingness to wipe out millions are still out there?  Obama will no doubt speak of the necessity of preventing another holocaust, but His methodology may give enemies of the western world just that opportunity.  Again, that far-off and distant look will come in handy.
 
3.  Tell the world that Iran is now invited to the July 4 picnic – The President believes that all picnic gatherings have to put up with a relative that perhaps no one wishes were there.  Inviting a radioactive guest is something quite different.  Obama issued instructions to outlying State Department offices that they should if possible, include Iranian diplomats in the 2009 4th of July celebrations.  Crafted to lure the fanatic nation’s diplomats into a more friendly relationship, the Obama administration will probably have some success in attracting a few Iranians to the party.  After all, the Iranians need the US to continue preventing an Israeli military action to destroy parts of its nuclear program – the part that will one day be tasked to destroy Israel.

2.  Ignore Israel – A trip to the Middle East almost always includes a stop in Jerusalem.  In a move clearly intended to appease fanatical Muslims, Obama left Israel off the itinerary completely.   Appeasing radical Islam is a centerpiece of this trip, so Team Obama will ignore the Jewish state whenever possible.   Ignoring one’s best ally seems the best way to signal ‘change’ to the world.  Iran is filled with ‘hope’ that this ‘change’ will allow them to destroy Israel. 

1.  Talk in Cairo to all of Islam- The essential message of this trip is that America and the west are not your enemies so please don’t try to kill us.  And, could everyone please play nicely with Israel.  Curiously, the United States was not the enemy of Islam prior to (or after) 9/11, but that made very little difference on that day – especially to the 3000 plus innocent Americans that lost their lives. 

It is not clear whether the Obama administration fully appreciates the vise it is creating.  Crafting a Middle East peace will require genuine and verifiable change on the part of the Muslim world.  Obama cannot create this change by pressuring Israel or by giving a great speech.   If a peace deal is to be achieved, it will take a forceful American presence – the kind that Obama himself abhors.   Mark Twain concluded in Innocence Abroad that even ones that endeavor to avoid ‘American behavior’ are by their very nature as Americans, predisposed to repeat it.    

Political Humor - 12 Step Recovery Plan for Obama Supporters - Updated!

Following NBC’s airing of their “Inside the Obama White House” piece on its Monday broadcast, It has become painfully evident how childishly infaturated the DC press corps is with this President.  Acting as the front line in the President’s political defense team, the press has become bolder in admitting its bias favoring the young and very liberal President.

President Obama’s personal charisma supports his currently high approval ratings primarily because of his confident and engaging style.  Unfortunately for him, policies such as the General Motors takeover are viewed favorably by fewer than half of the voting population.  Sooner or later, Obama’s approval ratings will begin to resemble those of the policies he advocates.

Although still early in His term, voters are beginning having second thoughts.  Like the High School boyfriend who was smooth, charming and said all the right things at the proper time, affection for said boyfriend plummeted when it was revealed that he smoked, tried to enter buildings through windows or exhibited beliefs that don’t work well in the relationship.    Good looks and smooth mannerisms got Him to the dance but they didn’t make Him Homecoming King. 

For the individual voter, understanding Obama policies depends on where they stand.  If they are standing in the unemployment line, their impatience with the President’s economic plan will not be soothed by yet another press conference.   The longer President Obama extends the recession with his plans for excessive spending, the more fragile voter’s patience becomes. 

Voter fragility will be pushed to the limit over the next several weeks as the economy continues to flounder.  Obama may no longer be able to coerce media into providing free airtime for another Press/Pep Rally and He will be less able to blame current conditions on the former administration.  Continued defections by once supportive business leaders will also draw approval ratings lower.  And the inevitable inflation and discontent that will coincide with the kick-off of Stimulus spending will not be mitigated by speeches. 

Speeches were the keystone of Obama’s Presidential run last year.  They caused crowds to swoon with adolescent admiration.  Now that some voters are contemplating breaking up with the Leader, conservatives must be prepared to assist.  The 12 Step Plan for Obama Recovery is designed to assist conservatives in reaching out to disaffected liberals who have had their hearts broken by yet another smooth talking, good looking guy.

The following steps are to be enacted by the recovering Obama supporter with the assistance of a compassionate conservative:

1.     Establish honesty in admitting failure – this is very difficult thing for a liberal.  Ones that invested so much time, effort and money in the Obama campaign will find it difficult to admit that their dedication was misguided.  Conservatives must allow the recovering Obamaniac to vent about why they felt their original love for Him didn’t turn out to be the flowering garden of love and fairness they envisioned.     Like all jilted former admirers, recovering supporters will feel foolish, so it is important to not bring further embarrassment upon them.     Just admitting the failure is progress enough for step one.

2.     Show faith in a higher power – Recovering Obama supporters have an aversion to discussing faith issues, so this is another difficult step.  Avoid telling the former Obama worshiper the importance of believing in God, but focus instead on the fact that Obama turned out not to be God.  Recovering from liberalism frequently requires admission that there might actually be a kind and loving God and this by itself is a huge leap.  Once again “baby steps” are the objective.  Just getting the recovering Obama supporter to admit that Obama is not God might be all the progress one can make.

3.    Assist in surrender of control – Obama supporters at one time believed that government control of industry and finance would create a more fair and just society.  Instead, it created unemployment and soon-to-come inflation.  Still, a recovering Obamniac does not at his core, believe in freedom.   Freedom of action, speech and especially of others to own firearms is terrifying to a liberal.  Take the recovering Obama supporter to coffee and explain that freedom is the right to choose between a non-fat vanilla latte and a mocha cappuccino.  The choice is not threatening.  It also isn’t threatening that the guy in front of you ordered a drink he despises.  The assisting conservative can then carry the conversation on to the issue of free markets.  Without surrendering to a free market, there can be no prosperity – or at least the ability to choose what one orders at Starbucks. 

4.    Help in taking a personal moral inventory – Liberals absolutely hate this.  They would much rather take someone else’s moral inventory and point out the errors of someone else’s ways.  Pointing out others’ faults is a trait Democrats cultivate in their followers.  Looking for failures within themselves is foreign and threatening.   The conservative must be patient and stick to the evidence in discussing topics.  A good start is to initiate a conversation regarding why the inevitable inflation next year will be Obama’s cruel tax on the middle class.    Obama supporters will connect with the word ‘cruel’ as they are concerned about the future of America’s middle class.  When evidence mounts that the conservative position has proven correct, the Obama-type may become frustrated and emotional.  Conservatives must continue to bring up factual evidence.  Unless the Obamican is brain-dead, this tactic will eventually pay off.

5.    Encourage admission that the previously held belief was incorrect – Recovering Obama supporters wrestle mightily with this step.  Admission that any previously held belief was incorrect is taken in most liberal minds as a personal defeat.  Politics with Democrats is personal.  Admission of poor judgment is not something they would choose to make public.  Completion of this step might involve admitting to the conservative that he/she ‘may’ have been wrong.  A liberal using the word ‘may’ in this context must be read as a definite admission of the wrong.  Democrats never admit an error.

6.    Help recovering Obama supporter accept defects in judgment – This is where it really gets difficult.  Admitting a single error is difficult enough.  Admission to a defective judgmental process is entirely different.  Field evidence must be used as it was in Step 3, only this time; it is a much more lengthy discussion.  A recommended scheme is to discuss the Carter years and why they led to double digit unemployment, interest rates and inflation.  Follow this with a discussion on how Reagan was the President to defeat LBJ’s inflationary cycle and restore economic growth, as well as laying the groundwork for defeating the Soviet Union.  This is a detailed discussion, so it will be difficult to hold the liberal’s attention for that long. 

7.    Help restore humility – During the campaign, Obama supporters were anything but humble in their wild support for a community organizer.  Looking back, they completely embarrassed themselves.  The assisting conservative should point out that it was easy to follow along with such a dynamic speaker and campaigner, but the real measure of maturity is to learn from the experience.  Liberals refer to every mistake as a ‘learning experience.’

8.     Establish a willingness to make amends – Gaining an Obama supporter’s willingness to vote for someone other than a Democrat is challenging.  Simply point out that since Obama is in office damaging the country for perhaps an entire generation, swift and significant counteraction will be necessary to prevent prolonged economic disaster.  After all, a liberal doesn’t want to be blamed for anything, especially while waiting to cash the unemployment check.

9.    Assist the Obamican in giving and finding forgiveness – Liberals actually like forgiving others.  They aren’t quite so fond of asking forgiveness for themselves.  Conservatives must coax this out into the open by making the sting of Obamanomics personal.   If the Obama supporter is currently unemployed, this should be easy.

10.    Help recovering supporter maintain his progress – Recovering Obama supporters will burn up an incredible amount of personal energy trying to understand why His policies failed.  Usually, Democrats fall back on the tried and true method of blaming others.  However, with no Republican presence in Congress, Democrats have full responsibility for the condition of the country and won’t be able to logically blame someone else.  Encouraging the former Obama worshiper to continue exploring free markets and conservative thought is a continuous effort. 

11.    Help develop an action plan – Democrats love action plans.  They love to make them and assign the difficult actions (like paying taxes) to others.  That way they can blame others when the effort produces unintended consequences.  Conservatives can get past this by involving the former Obamaniac in regular discussions of inflation, money supply theory and other detailed conservative principles.  Recovering Obama supporters will need this level of detail to defend themselves when they go to their weekly book club meeting.

12.    Encourage recovering lefty to follow through on action plan – The Obama supporter that realizes he has been hoodwinked into voting for a snake oil salesman will still have to confront those that still consume the Obama Kool-Aid.  Making her/his newfound understanding of conservative principles public will be terrifying at first.  Conservatives can help by asking probing questions in public.  Questions such as: ‘why will there be rapid inflation in 2010?’ will allow the recovering Obamniac to look knowledgeable among his peers.  It may also generate an entirely new crop of liberals who wish to throw off the bounds of Obama worship.   The conservative assistant may quickly find many in need of his services.